From blog to eternity

Dear readers of the future,

This is Cooper, also known as DJ Dazzler, stuck in hyperspace on Monday the 19th. I am in a time warp, lost in the folds of the space-time continuum, an insignificant speck in a vast chasm of nothingness. I am a pixel in the scrambled porn of outer space's TV. Here, suspended in the ether, I managed to steal someone's wi-fi. I have a feeling this blog will take a few days to head back to Earth, so enjoy, future readers!

Turns out our teleportational gogglers were a bit faulty. That's what I get for buying them on eBay. Instead of a direct route to China, I was separated from Emmet and found myself running with dinosaurs on the set of The Land Before Time VIII: Little Foot's Return. Here's a picture I took of myself with Little Foot. I flew off the back of a bronto and activated the gogglers in mid-air, which set me on an unexpected trajectory: outer space.

Here's a picture I took of myself in space.

Remember that movie Contact—the one with the woman who inspired Reagan's near-assassination (Jodie Foster? Right? Anyway, this was after she was hot)—when she's sitting in her space contraption and no time goes by, but eighteen hours of blank tape are captured? In the meantime, she goes to Pluto and sees her dad? Me too. Space is pretty cool.

I think where I am is somewhere in the "philotic web," a theory of Orson Scott Card's. He's a scientist or a sci-fi writer or something, but also probably an astrophysicist. Basically there's a system of threads that run in a grid throughout space and time, threads that can relay information faster than light. When the metaphysical being Jane is born from the threads, she can actually pick up and deposit items in different spots along the web, which is totally awesome, legitimate, and how the gogglers work. I'm no scientist, but I bet if you consult Google Scholar, you'd find out.

Anyway, hopefully I'll be in China soon. Maybe I can use my wily charms to get an HJ. I bet Emmet would be totally jealous.