Pandamonium

The blog's been on the fritz since cooper violated the space-time continuum, but thankfully we made it through with our elegant yet playful design still intact. This post will also mark the returning functionality of posting.

We're living on the outskirts of the town of Yindang. After a few days of being treated like the liberally educated wunderkinds we are, we started feeling a little too comfortable. Demands were made, tempers were not checked. Truth be told, we probably shouldn't have insisted on pitting their youngest children against each other in first blood cage matches. On the other hand, those kids are going to grow up and be a lot less likely to let some white jackasses pit their youngest children against each other in first blood cage matches.

We had to flee by moonlight as soon as the townspeople realized we were afraid of using our goggles too. I only hope we are able to help restore the good name of the meiguoren.
Currently, We're picking up wi-fi from a maximum security panda holding pin. They're keeping the bears of black and white packed into dusty cages to conjure up as much sneezing and general monochromatic tomfoolery as possible. We're keeping tabs on guard detail and planning a potential panda heist. We're pretty sure the requisite sleepy guard comes on duty around 3 am.

During the day we take shelter in a lean-to I put together with bamboo straws and pilfered sedge hats. We've got a few leaks, so tomorrow night I'll be sneaking back into town to wrangle up some more coolies (note: racist). At night, if the stars are out, we lay on the grass field adjacent to the panda complex. On bad nights, I'll lay awake for hours and listen to that lonesome panda rowr, punctuated from time to time with a lonesome panda sneeze.

Yesterday, as Coop and I were putting together a list of smells that we like, Grapeseed came running out of the woods panting and wagging his tale. From the looks of it, he was being ripened for slaughter and had just barely managed to escape. He's looking plump, but he's still got that keen canine awareness. I think he may just come in handy during our panda liberation.

From blog to eternity

Dear readers of the future,

This is Cooper, also known as DJ Dazzler, stuck in hyperspace on Monday the 19th. I am in a time warp, lost in the folds of the space-time continuum, an insignificant speck in a vast chasm of nothingness. I am a pixel in the scrambled porn of outer space's TV. Here, suspended in the ether, I managed to steal someone's wi-fi. I have a feeling this blog will take a few days to head back to Earth, so enjoy, future readers!

Turns out our teleportational gogglers were a bit faulty. That's what I get for buying them on eBay. Instead of a direct route to China, I was separated from Emmet and found myself running with dinosaurs on the set of The Land Before Time VIII: Little Foot's Return. Here's a picture I took of myself with Little Foot. I flew off the back of a bronto and activated the gogglers in mid-air, which set me on an unexpected trajectory: outer space.

Here's a picture I took of myself in space.

Remember that movie Contact—the one with the woman who inspired Reagan's near-assassination (Jodie Foster? Right? Anyway, this was after she was hot)—when she's sitting in her space contraption and no time goes by, but eighteen hours of blank tape are captured? In the meantime, she goes to Pluto and sees her dad? Me too. Space is pretty cool.

I think where I am is somewhere in the "philotic web," a theory of Orson Scott Card's. He's a scientist or a sci-fi writer or something, but also probably an astrophysicist. Basically there's a system of threads that run in a grid throughout space and time, threads that can relay information faster than light. When the metaphysical being Jane is born from the threads, she can actually pick up and deposit items in different spots along the web, which is totally awesome, legitimate, and how the gogglers work. I'm no scientist, but I bet if you consult Google Scholar, you'd find out.

Anyway, hopefully I'll be in China soon. Maybe I can use my wily charms to get an HJ. I bet Emmet would be totally jealous.

Lost in Placation

Well, that felt awful.
But at least we're back on the ground again, Cooper's eyeballs have stopped boiling, and we've started taking in the scenery. Things here are different. For one, people are friendlier. Immediately after appearing spontaneously from a plume of smoke, people started doing us favors. A young girl allowed me the use of her guard dog for the week (his name is Grapeseed), and I think Cooper may have charmed himself into half a handjob. We've also been offered the use of a kindly old man's guest quarters on the condition that we not use our horrible smoke-magic on him.
Which leads me to my next point: I have been stunned by the Chinese sense of humor. I was told by classmates and well-wishers that the Chinese just did not know how to tell a joke, but, to be honest, folks here are hilarious. And though we sometimes aren't sure what they're saying (that is, always unless they are talking about zhushiqi), their delivery is exquisite. We hope to learn what we can and grace you with even a fraction of their wit.

How was your day Coop?


(Also, clarification on the last post, I don't eat flank steak because I am a vegetarian. I was just, spacially speaking, flanking Cooper's steak.)

Punks in the Bloglight

An incumbent storm headed westward has caused us to grow wary of bicycling to China. Instead, I dropped by the local dealery to barter for a pair of teleportational gogglers (fig. 2).

Our reunion has been glorious (fig. 1)! We drank champagne, watched A Shot at Love, reminisced about adventures past, jumped on a trampoline, traded favorite SJB quotes, champed Powerthirst (I like Manana, Emmet prefers Gun), watched Wizard People, Dear Readers, narrated our mornings in our best Wizard People impressions, and ate flank steak.

I've become somewhat of a power-drinker. Recently I drank five Vitamin Waters in under an hour, and then had to pee on the side of the highway. I pulled down my trousers like a five-year-old and mooned all the truckers.

Tomorrow we begin the travel through hyperspace: China! Glory! The Great Wall! Manifest Destiny! Ni hao!

Blogg Deep

Hey coop, internet.
We're leaving in less than a week and I'm feeling a little preparture anxiety. I'm currently brushing up on my Chinese. I've uploaded my study guide for the readers since you'll all be exploring with us, virtually. It's not complete by half, but I think we can probably pick up the rest through eavesdropping and great wall graffiti. (thank you SJB)
Unfortunately, here, on the week-eve of our webless world wide romp and right on the brink of thanksgiving, I'm starting to realize how much I love America. Consequently, this thursday I'll be celebrating Thanksgrieving. And, in great Thanksgrieving tradition, I've compiled a list of uniquely American things that I will be missing while abroad:

quarters
the USPS
applesauce
underage drinking
4chan
popsicles
guarded racism
kittens

2 Cats 2 Curious

My father sent me this picture of our new kitten, Simon. Unfortunately I am stationed in Chicago today, training Blackwater recruits, so I cannot meet him. But lo, there's this new video-chatting technology called Skype, which may or may not allow me to rub Simon's tummy through the interweb. I'll get back to you on that.

Introduction: China, straw hats, you.

Emmet and I are spending our semester abroad in various exotic locales, and we've decided to share our adventures with you. Currently I am in the Christmas Islands, a small peninsula adjacent to the North Pole. Emmet is in Peninsula, OH. In a week we plan to bicycle to China, where we will visit the Great Wall. As esteemed bloggers, we will take pictures so you, viewer, can vicariously enjoy our experience. Perhaps you will imagine yourselves right there with us, in China, saying Ni-hao to the straw-hatted passersby.